The Host (a D.I.D experience)

I.

it is pitch black darkness
it surrounds my body
it decapacitates my senses
i am alone here
the air nuzzles into my skin
a stiff, gummy matrix
there is nothing but particles,
a legoland existence,
a pixelated purgatory
i am not old / i am not young
i am not but limbs excavating air
i feel only a minimized sensory experience
i see a slit of light under a door &
i know i should be there
i should be alive
i should be at front
but this carefully constructed womb
pulls me back

II.

i rearrange my pixels, my limbs
& my particles & let the slit of light
beckon me
i hear everybody’s voices
i feel all their bodies, struggling to fit into mine
the square doesn’t fit the circle
too big too small too rounded too many corners
the door is locked
i become flat like a carpet and begin to inch myself
into the slit of light
all air escapes my languid lungs
as i shove my soul through
i hear everything again
the people with whom i co-inhabit this body,
this house, this clock that ticks

III.

i regain shape and stumble down the stairs
floor by floor / storey by storey
i watch them go by their business &
wonder if this is really what i am
i am like a walking hotel
a mangy bed & breakfast
they are old and young
male and female
good and bad
a carnival of souls
i’m a unicorn / i’m the only unicorn
that still exists
Momma never thought her belly
would hold the makings of
eleven people

IV.

i can see the garden now
the gates that lead to front
the light hurts my eyes, my skin
i don’t want to go
but it is my responsibility to be alive
i am the host
i am where it all began
i walk through the garden,
past the ballpit and the monkey bars
i reach out to touch the gate handles
& i feel both cold and warm
i feel exhausted
i glance back upstairs, back at the Room

V.

i open the gates / i am in a bed
it is not my bed
the dimly lit room smells & sounds like
a basement / there are
no windows / only a small hole
in the wall opening to a fully lit hallway
then i look to my right
i see a shape at the other end of the room
i see him / he is snoring, but quietly
i’m still regaining feeling of my body
my phone buzzes

 

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13 kommenttia artikkeliin ”The Host (a D.I.D experience)

  1. I am feeling the too-many-inhabitants depletion of energy in this inner journey. How vivid and nightmarish! I see how it might relate to the energy/vitality prompt at Poets United . If you wrote this for my prompt, please provide a link here to Poets United. (And thank you for your comment on my poem!)

    Liked by 1 henkilö

  2. You have captured well in words the feeling of multiple people within one body – if I am reading this properly……..you portray the energy vividly and well, and the reader feels the dissonance and fatigue that must accompany such a journey. Very well done.

    Liked by 1 henkilö

  3. I have to mirror Elizabeth, the most amazing is how you can walk and write in such cacophony, the images on pixels and legoland made it very clear. I see my box of lego, and I think there are days they fit together to form a house and others when they are just scattered blocks.. great way of describing it.

    Liked by 1 henkilö

  4. I’ve read a few stories about people with this disorder and I find it fascinating…just like your poetry. One identity pops up while another disappears into the background…somewhere in there with all the others. Like I said, fascinating!
    Gayle ~

    Liked by 1 henkilö

  5. Interesting.. i’m actually
    diagnosed with Asperger’s
    Syndrome and Bi-polar..
    finally in balance
    again..
    at least
    for my tastes..
    but yeah.. what
    you describe here
    describes a hell i was
    once in and never
    diagnosed i guess..
    ’cause it was too
    hard to explain
    other than
    the
    table
    was me…
    the AC vent blowing
    would not separate
    from me.. and there
    were hundreds
    of other souls
    around
    me
    overwhelming
    when i walked
    in Super Walmart..
    but for me at least..
    actual brain damage
    from years of Chronic
    social stress at work
    seemed to lead to
    this place
    of
    a disintegration
    of human integrated
    ego with regulating
    emotions and
    integrating
    senses..
    focus
    and
    short
    term working
    memory working well
    in cognitive executive
    functioning.. but anyway..
    movement therapy in natural
    and free flowing way of movement
    helped me to get it all back together
    along with poetry and music therapy..
    but sadly that kind of therapy
    doesn’t seem to work for
    everyone..
    particularly
    if one has never
    really been integrated..
    and balanced as such..
    anyway.. what you
    describe here i can
    relate to 100% like
    i was there for several
    years.. several years ago..
    and i hope the best for you..
    as this place for me.. was truly hell
    beyond any depression.. anxiety
    or pain.. as i lost all emotions
    as
    well..
    and that for
    me was worse
    than any pain then
    imaginable and yes..
    i was diagnosed with
    type-two trigeminal
    neuralgia suffering
    from the worst
    pain known to
    humankind
    then for
    66 months
    co-morbid
    with the
    death
    of
    my
    soul..
    and yes.. the
    death of my soul..
    much worse than
    the worst pain known
    to mankind by far.. far.. death
    in life then..
    so yes..
    i feel
    this
    place.. at
    least a similar
    place you are in now..
    in a logical way.. but
    my feelings will never
    remember
    the no
    feelings
    of then..
    nor could
    my no feelings
    detect or remember
    the feelings that are
    mine integrated and
    regulated once again now…
    i really wish there was a pill
    i could send you.. but there was
    none for
    me but
    free flowing
    dance.. and i have
    to share all this with
    you.. as again.. been to
    a similar place.. and truly
    no one.. and i do mean
    no one can possibly
    understand the
    gravity
    of challenge
    and difficulty
    if they’ve never
    been there..
    no
    one…

    Liked by 1 henkilö

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