Time to Abilify

When I am in an uncomfortable interpersonal situation I take off my glasses. The people in front of me blur into a mosaic of colors and vibrations that have, on me, the effect of twisting a car radio volume knob. I squint and lean on the steering wheel and peer at street signs. Without the obligation of looking into one’s eyes I can welcome the auditory impact my treatment team have on us – or, me, as I would soon be corrected had I uttered this out loud.


I am not schizophrenic.

You are resisting treatment.

This is what happens, think about it – you quit lamotrigin and

I was unaware of this

Yes she said last time that one of the – had quit it

Cold turkey

Yes

We’re playing with gummy bracelets

_____, we’re thinking you should get back on it

There is a monkey and a broken elephant

_____, are you listening?

Yes, I listen

We have been working on the book,

I make copies for all my patients–

How do you spell that again?

Unicorn one, unicorn two

But _____ hasn’t been to sessions, you

say it’s the sleep paralyses, right, _____?

She spoke to us of it but we don’t know what it is

Well it’s a state of sleep but it’s more like—

Your parts are resisting treatment, _____

They didn’t want to come here, they keep making

you miss our sessions—

I have told ____ that we are here to treat her, not her parts

But my parts are me!

Yes she needs a sense of self, she needs to stay awake


I awaken to find a row of sillybandz on my thigh. The elephant is broken. I am sitting along the same sofa with my psychotherapist for the first time, our alignment bipolar. The doctor and nurse exchange glances across the table and jot down in their leaflets.

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