It’s been a while. It’s quite ironic but the way I have been feeling inside my head has gotten so twisted I haven’t even been able to write about it. But I guess I have to, for the therapeutic benefits, right? Today at 10 AM I have an appointment with my nurse at the psychiatric clinic for diagnostic testing. These past few months have been hell with my anxiety attacks and auditory hallucinations. I have gone on a cutting spree on several occasions and I am not proud of it, at all. I have this thing I do that when I think I’m supposed to be okay I fight it out and try to be too brave and perfect. It’s like there’s a war in my mind between the helpless, sick, and traumatized me and the ambitious, happy, and balanced side, which results in a perfectionist climb that ends up in an anticlimax where I don’t sleep at all and mix medication with alcohol.
The worst thing about these past few months has been the fact that people haven’t taken me seriously. I am repeatedly told that it would be okay, I am made to go in circles; one place tell me to go to another but that other place tells me to go back. Even at home my symptoms seem to be belittled in accordance to my personality traits. The fact that I mixed sedatives and alcohol is still not believed by my family even though that is what happened — even if it was just one sedative and a normal glass of coffee liquor that had an alcohol percentage of twenty. The scary fact is that I wanted to have more of both. The voices in my head were just getting too loud. Luckily my darling was up and helped me stay awake long enough for the medicine and alcohol to be out of my system.
I have been contemplating throwing my blades away for good.
I have yet to find the strength to do so.
I have started eating a new medication, called Lamotrigine, for Bipolar Mental Disorder. It’s a starter pack so it’s just a teeny tiny 25 mg tablet in the mornings for two weeks until the dosage is doubled. It may just be placebo effect, but I can tell the difference after a few days. My mood doesn’t go up and down like a roller-coaster anymore, and my stress-levels are considerably lower.
Due to my various visits to the school nurse and one to the Emergency Room, my treatment has been bumped up to a more acute level. I will be spending one to three-week treatment periods at the Psychiatric Day Ward nearby, which means I would stay at the ward between 9 AM and 3 PM every day and go to school for about one day per week. Within the ward I will have my psychiatric doctor, my nurse and several psychologists and functional therapists. Let’s just say I’m ready to kick this thing in the butt!
My choreography has been ready for a long while now, I just really need to clean it and sharpen it up so I have been training a lot. The past few weeks were a low point since I had basically no time for dance classes or other exercise due to my mishaps. I did go to a Dancehall workshop yesterday and it was superb ❤
So I’m going to start the morning off with some pilates and try to make it a good start for the day.
Wish me luck.