Yesterday you said tomorrow

I haven’t been posting much lately; mostly due to the combination of a busy-bee lifestyle and a general confusion regarding this blog. I haven’t really had much to write about, or I have, but I haven’t been able to put it into words. Call it writer’s block or a creativity block or whatever – I just haven’t been writing.
 
There’s been a lot of things hovering over my head, a lot of issues and memories that tend to merge into this blue-gray Eeyore-style personal rain cloud. Though I try my best to fend it off, and push it away in some unsorted folder in the back of my brain (which I know is not healthy, at all) it keeps popping up rather spontaneously during the day. At night, well – I have dreamt of these things every night for the past month so I guess it says something. Always running away in a panic, but am always caught. Last time I was stabbed in the back with a peeling knife. Lovely.
 
I am, on the bright side, quite proud of myself for working very hard in school and in my dance training. I am halfway through my final-thesis choreography, and have been doing the written tasks. School has been good. I have been studying a lot at this wonderful library I found near one of the dance studios I go to. It’s such a dream, a really old building with lots of floors. And they have comfy couches and blankets in the reading room.
 
I haven’t cut since November – not so long, but still a small accomplishment. I have had my temptations. My therapy-search is still on hold due to money. I’m going to need to overcome my anxiety over phone-conversations and call my psychologist at the psychiatric clinic (actually called the clinic of mood-disorders, classy) to set up an appointment and thus keep me on their list. And I need to call the icky psychiatrist to renew my prescriptions for my meds – my pill-free dream shall be put on hold for another decade or so, I guess. It sucks. I hate it. It’s like a fucking imprint of the insane and the uncapable. It will be a risk-factor in every job I apply for, every future educational facility… I never liked this let’s-mess-with-nature business to begin with. I just wish my sixteen-year-old self had just flat out said NO FUCK NO NEVER to medication. But hey, what can you do…
 
I am happy to be moving forward. I have always had a future. There is always tomorrow. But I have to work toward it. I am working toward it, now. Every day is a day closer, every task completed is another step on the staircase. I am done with being on hold because of things that are out of my control but which, still, control me. The past can go fuck itself. I have a life to live.

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