You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains

I’ve been taking a break from the internet for a while. Excluding, of course, talking with my girlfriend. Otherwise, though, I took a break for a little over a week from blogging and Tumblr and such just to be with the family. In some ways it was a good thing, in others not. I’ve felt pretty endangered with my array of outlets. I’m not sure if you remember or have seen the post I made about my parents in February. My parents, one of them at least, took it very badly. And having them confide in me of all the things they think is wrong about me using such a public outlet made me feel as though it had been compromised and that I could, in fact, lose this.
First off, I don’t think any one of the 79 followers (which is indeed pretty little, considering other blogs) knows who my parents are, or know me in real life, or know them in real life. Second, this is my blog and I can say whatever the heck I want over here and I am the one who takes the blame very willingly if it were to cause me trouble. I am not stupid, I know the internet can be a very evil place. I know from personal experience. But still, referring to what I first said, even if I did mention my parents’ first names I highly doubt any one of you would make a connection in their heads going ”Oh yeah, I know this person!”.
So having gotten that out of the way, I would like to say I have done my fair share of thinking of the matter and no I will not apologize for things I am perfectly entitled to feel and say because of the things that have been done to me and because of the things I have been through. You do not go and deprive me of a voice. Only 50 percent of my parents know me well enough to know that my voice is definitely not a loud one. I do not yell or raise my voice. I am loudest here, in text, where nobody can talk over me or shut their ears from me or yell at me. Why I cannot look them in the face and say things and yell, well, they ought to know the reasons themselves.
This is what I do. This is how I am comfortable, where I am most confident and where I know I will be heard. Call it cowardly or immature or whatever else you want but I think it is just as adequate as me talking to you in person. Actually, I think it is better. Conversations are conversations, which in essence ought to be done person to person where one can talk over the other if they will.
I have been hurt way too many times for me to be able to just open my mouth in front of you and let the words and the pain and the blame and the tears just come scrambling out of my mouth like a freaking marching band. If I do that, I open a door through which you can stick me with a that more-or-less verbal knife you have been using.
It has soon been three weeks without therapy. First my Winter Holiday, then just a week with no appointments, then my therapist has their Winter Holiday and boom my next appointment is two weeks from now. I have not been able to sleep. I take 12 milligrams or more of melatonin per night, and considering my prescription says 3 milligrams I am running out of them very early. I keep waking up and having nightmares and waking up again or just not falling asleep at all.
I have not cut in several weeks. I haven’t been counting days. I guess that is a good thing. I have had less panic attacks than earlier but I am still having them. And I am constantly scared to death. My life is on the brink of a drastic change, and I do not know when that change will occur but I know it will and I know it is on its way I do not know if it has been received in the place that will start the change and for now I am so very scared because I do not want to be present when the change starts. Part of me is trying to make the changing end feel good, or make me feel good, or make me feel like nothing is changing and that time is just stopping and nothing will happen even though it will. I need to lie to people for doing things because they do not want me to do them in the first place.
And I fucking hate lying.


2 kommenttia artikkeliin ”You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains

  1. Interesting you write about that coming change bit. I just sent a beefy email to a friend of mine wondering why things were ”falling into place”. The answer I got back surprised me. The little positive changes I made on the inside were beginning to show on the outside. Last year, was the pits. Now, opportunity is almost too easy. Instead of a relentless barrage of negativity, the polars has switched. Things are falling in my lap. Good things too. I wanted to know why the change. On the inside, I didn't feel I had changed all that much but on the outside, there were changes.

    My brother remarked that it had to be a fractal. Fine tuning the foundation is shaping the mountain. We both agreed environment plays a role. Can't be a Redwood in the Congo jungle. Redwoods need certain things out of their environment. So it doesn't surprise me the stand you take on your writing and how open it is. That is part of the root system.

    I know this is a long reply but the way you write touches a certain center in honesty. Like how you need to lie but you hate it.

    The changing bit is plain weird. It feels weird. It is weird but only because it's something that hasn't been around much. Keep writing. Your posts are meaningful.



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