Monday Madness #11

I’ve taken several steps backward in what could be called my process of recovery. This being because of things I have recently found out and which, inevitably, have succeeded in turning my world upside down. Each day of mine is filled with tears and anxiety right now and I do not remember the last time I slept without the aid of medication. I am fighting myself and my anger because it makes me want to do the most horrible of things in which I am always the victim. I have gotten by with just two relapses now, and I hope that is the way it will stay.
I’m on oxazepam now for anxiety. Oh yay. Another pill. I am jumping from joy here. My short-term therapist told me it should help me better than what I used to have (lorazepam) since the effect would be more gradual and long-lasting and that it wouldn’t just knock me out. Well… I’ve had to take it twice now. I’ve done some research and have a feeling I shouldn’t be taking this sort of medicine. I am in some form depressed, and am on antidepressants which, being part of my mildly self-destructive behavior, I forget to take from time to time, and it says specifically that people suffering from depression shouldn’t take this drug. I think I see why. It makes everything worse. First of all, the effect is too gradual and it is more of a sleeping pill than an anti-anxiety pill, because hell does this knock me out. It makes me sleepy for the next day as well. It also, pretty much, makes me want to either starve myself, cut myself, punch myself or hit myself repeatedly until I am bruised. (I actually hit myself on my wrist with a rolling pin for like ten minutes, what the fuck?).
Now I know that this may be me blaming all this ”naturally” occuring behavior on a new form of medication. It may also be part of my medication-hate. But still, I’m not liking it. I do not need more twists. I need something to help me go on.

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