It seems silly of me to be saying that when it comes to comparison whether it is the things inside my head or the gray, rainy, cooold weather that is making me more depressed, it would most definitely be the latter. That is logical, right? I live in the country infested with SAD (= seasonal affective disorder aka winter blues, yo). It’s so dark for so long here I have become used to the fact that people are just… sad, for no reason. So why not me?
I haven’t cut in… a week and a half I think. The LIAR on my right wrist has faded but I’m scared it’ll scar like that. It, of course, makes me flirt with the idea of cutting over it but hey, I already did that a week ago and did it do anything to the letters? NO. I’ll get something from the pharmacy to help it fade away along with some other scars I have, even though they’re minor and only I can really see them (unless I have been in the shower or swimming or doing any physical excercise, which makes them stand out all pink and nice going HEY NOTICE ME!).
It makes me ache that I have socially let myself drop into a stereotype. I don’t think I’ve thought of it before until our Biology class last Friday when we were cutting out pieces of onion with scalpels to look at the epidermis layer with a microscope — one of the girls in my class held the packet of scalpel blades up and said to her lab partner: ”Wanna have an emo party?” after which she pretended to be slitting her wrists. I was this close to screaming at her. It was difficult enough for me to have all that in front of me, sharp pieces of glass, packets of scalpels, forceps… *sigh*
But ignorance hurts, people.
It’s like someone tore my heart out and dipped it in boiling water while it was still connected to me so that I felt all of the pain.
I’ve done pretty good in the medication front. Which is always improvement when it’s me. Meds and me just don’t go together. Life is just too damn difficult without having to feel like a pill-popping psycho. (Or knowing this is something that I’ll be hooked to for years and years and maybe for life…).
I am seeing my darling in 5 days. Which is major good news and makes me all smiley. But it also means loads of schoolwork and my body isn’t that good with the stress and pressure added to the fact a fraction of my teachers (meaning one teacher, but she takes up the space of more than one…) do not appreciate me going so I try and be perfect in everything and it makes me stress more. Go figure.
So I’m doing some baking to get rid of some stress since I couldn’t go to dance class today because I HAD TO DO SCHOOLWORK. Gah. Doesn’t matter. I’ll bet a prize for all this. I get to spend two and a half weeks with my babydoll =3