What haunts me.

“One need not be a chamber to be haunted, One need not be a house. The brain has corridors surpassing material place”. -Emily Dickinson 
What haunts you?
 What haunts me.
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I consider myself haunted by many things; many people. Every day there comes a moment when I feel slightly immaterial, a ghost in the making, pacing my room with no meaningful purpose. My head is a haunted house. It’s funny I’ve never put it that way because it fits perfectly. A haunted house, aging, crippled and swarmed with half-living thoughts and memories, dying desires.
I am haunted by the fact that I cannot cure my sister. That I have a responsibility I cannot fulfill, only try to, and it leaves me helpless. I am haunted by her. There are countless songs that paralyze me, remind me of one of her low-points, of water rushing through the tap for tens of minutes while she stares into the water spinning in the bowl, of the blood and the towel and the stitches and the pills. They remind me of how close the end was. And it scares the hell out of me.
It doesn’t leave me that she is a skeleton. Beautiful, yes — but a skeleton. She has always been beautiful, and I have always envied that but at the same time I have been happy for her. I hate myself for the fact that I don’t want to look at her. I don’t want to hug her. I’m afraid she’ll break.
It haunts me that she is in the same place of  “help” that I was in. It isn’t the best of places when you want to get good, professional help. The people there don’t really know what to do and, even though they’re supposed to be open-minded and helpful, they’re full of prejudice.
Self-harm haunts me. I have been off of it for the summer, which means about three months soon. But I still want to do it. I was used to it, began to like it, got addicted, you know the rest. I have lovely scars that are otherwise hidden but when I take a shower, or a bath, they come up all nice and red. I don’t tan. My scars tan. So much for bouncing around in a bikini when you have horizontal lines from your hips to your knees and asymmetrical marks on your forearms and wrists.
My past haunts me.
Medication haunts me.
Depression haunts me.

Mama’s Losin’ It

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7 kommenttia artikkeliin ”What haunts me.

  1. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to link this up at the Monday Madness linky (even though it's Tuesday – it stay open for one month so you can link it up whenever you like BTW) because its a fabulous post and one I think quite a few – including me – can relate to. You put it all so well. Beautifully in parts. And it speaks volumes! If you'd rather I didn't link it up tell me and I'll remove it.

    Shah – http://wordsinsync.blogspot.com/2011/08/fresh-monday-madness-linky-plus-poem.html

    Tykkää

  2. This is an amazing post – straight from the heart. I loved it and I feel your pain re: your sis. My sister has lupus but not too badly – I dread the day she becomes so sick that it hurts to think of her.

    Tykkää

  3. I love this post. Not because of what has happened to you and what you have been through — and are still going through! — but because it's purely from the heart and the truth.

    You know that I've always been close to you (and your sister) so I can definitely relate to, and understand your pain. It hurts. A lot. No.. more than a lot.

    I love you like a sister. And you know I'll always be here for you. I hope that things work out sooner rather than later. Relatively speaking of course because I know this won't be over any time soon.

    Keep off the self-harming thoughts and keep going, even if it's difficult.

    <3<3

    Tykkää

  4. Thanks for sharing here. My daughter was into cutting but I didn't realise the true implications or depth of it at the time, as she always covered herself. I still have much to learn, so thanks for your imput here.

    Tykkää

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