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I remember surprisingly little of my graduation even though it’s only been two years. I do remember I had a fever and felt like walking on clouds even though my heels weren’t that high. I wore the same dress that I’d worn to prom since we didn’t have any sort of dress code. It might have been a little boring but I didn’t mind, I just slipped on the jersey Mom had bought me from Vienna earlier that year and put my glasses on and decided it was different enough.
Graduation was a weird day as itself because my parents were in the same room more than once. My mother had turned my invitation down first when I’d asked her to come over to the school in the morning and then to our apartment to celebrate. Apparently seeing my father would have been too much of a stress on her (everyone was tiptoeing around her since she was pregnant). But I pulled out the I-never-ask-anything-of-you card. It wasn’t even a trick because it was true. I never had. I had just done everything I was told even though it hurt. I had only a month or so before opened up to my mother about my true feelings about her cheating on my father and then ending their marriage with a bunch of white, gray, and deep black lies. It was a weird sort of liberation, telling my mother how much of a slut I thought her to be. Her fiancé was after me with angry emails since my verbal downpour. I’d posted it all online in a moment of rage, maybe to expose my mother, maybe to expose my own stupidity. I remember it had felt too good to be true, how I was just ripping myself open and making her look so bad…
But nevertheless, I saw both of my parents in the audience as they gave us our diplomas (though they were on the opposite sides of the hall). And after enough persuasion I’d made my mother come over to our apartment with her fiancé. 

I graduated best of my class — second best of the year. I had always been second best, throughout high school. There was always that one girl who did it just a little bit better. I don’t suppose I was bitter but I was a little bit jealous. I didn’t feel as accomplished as I would have if I’d gotten that first place just once. Or, well, I cannot ever know now, can I?
My mother and father looked like the stereotypic just-broken-up Barbies me and my sister had played with sometime in our childhood. I always played with the male one which, might I add, was only a female one with its head removed. That’s what my father looked like — not like a headless woman but just a headless person, brainless, mindless, without desire to do anything. My mother was always full of smiles and compliments and vanity and at that one 30-minute moment she began to resemble a toy that could only speak those few sentences that had been encoded into.
I suppose it was some sort of milestone, graduating.
I’m glad I’m past it.


11 kommenttia artikkeliin ”Graduation

  1. This post is so raw and emotional. You're so reflective and aware of how you were feeling. I just wanted you to know that I read your powerful words and heard you today.


  2. Parents don't often stop and think the effect their actions will have on their children…or on the way they are seen by their children.

    I'm sorry that you were stuck in the middle of their choices.


  3. Thanks Galit Breen and Tracie. It feels like a decade ago even though it's just two years. I appreciate that you've heard me.


  4. Wow. I don't even know what to say to this story. I can only start to imagine what it felt like since you captured the emotions, from anger and betrayal to robotic, so well.


  5. I love the comparison of your parents to dolls, as I have had quite a number of relationships with family members who seem to have similarities to the babbling toy you mentioned.
    A very powerful post.


  6. Wow, that's hard. I remember telling my dad what I thought of him, how he had hurt me and how much I hated him when I was 18. He still doesn't get it. He still thinks he's the best dad ever. I can see how hard this was for you.


  7. Thank you for commenting. I'm glad (well, glad is the wrong word…) that this mirrors things from other peoples lives too. All the best ❤ *hugs*



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