My favorite mistake.

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This week was my second in the Indie Ink Writing Challenge. I was challenged by Michael. This was his prompt:

To quote Sheryl Crow, tell us about your favorite mistake. 

I’ll just give a heads up that I am not writing about a mistake like that of Sheryl Crow. If you wish to hear about some sort of break-up story, or anything uplifting, click back. This month has been a dark one for me.
My favorite mistake

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If I let my mind drift I don’t remember much of my earlier life; I have developed a filtering system that, from time to time, works in my advantage. But when I want to remember, it may fail. It may choose another candidate from the line of moments, of hours, of minutes, setting up a situation where I least want to be. 
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My mind, in itself, is a strange, frightening place to be. My mistake was letting it wander to that unknown land in my subconscious where I was not an entity, but a gathering of small particles, of memories and words and exclamation points on paper. I might be circling around the truth now, strutting on my tippy toes, my feet in high-heel mode. But I might actually be onto something.
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I was taken to a psychiatric ward a little over a year ago. It makes me laugh that they kept me in for several months without finding out what was wrong with me. My doctor himself told me of the fake diagnosis they had typed up, just in case I got more bonkers than I already was. I found it amusing that, even though they supposedly worked for me, it was the mere illusion of the door of my room closing and opening that had me convinced it was not for me, but for someone else. I wasn’t locked in my room but the ward itself was locked. It was a semi-prison, if you wish to give it a name. I never gave it a name. I never thought I would find myself in a tiny hospital ward hidden into suburbia. 
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Much to the joy of the doctors and nurses I’d spent the days with, I chose to tell something. I remembered some confusing, haze-filled moments during which I had been touched. It was in the dark. It was during the day. And it was by the very person(s) that had aided me in getting into hospitalization. It was (s)he who now literally locked me in. I was the hopefully-psychotic daughter of the parents that could not stay in the same room without ending up in battle. I was the no-longer-perfect girl, the liar whose sense of truth had to be extinguished one way or the other because, being a liar, I had to have in my possession a teeny tiny spec of evil, a little demonic creature feeding on my senses. 
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Was I wrong, then, to perform a white (or maybe rather gray) lie to save them from a disastrous future? My favorite mistake is not my favorite because it took me to a better place, or that during it I felt loved or cared for or just simply happy. It was — it is — my favorite because it hurt the worst. 
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I am not saying I don’t have any demons inside of me, tempting me to do whatever it is they have in mind at that moment. If I were to write about those I would wind up someplace worse right now. We all have inside our minds those sentences and words that, once they make an outing, are understood as signs of madness. I just suppose mine prefer living outdoors. Maybe I am mad. If I am, then I like it this way. I suppose my mistake did give me something advantageous. I’ve just no idea what it is.
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6 kommenttia artikkeliin ”My favorite mistake.

  1. What's wrong with a little Sheryl Crow? TOTALLY KIDDING. 🙂 I had forgotten about Sheryl Crow in all honesty until reading your prompt. sigh.

    Anyway, this line…

    –My favorite mistake is not my favorite because it took me to a better place, or that during it I felt loved or cared for or just simply happy. It was — it is — my favorite because it hurt the worst.–

    It says so much. You write very well. I'm curious to read more.

    Tykkää

  2. oh yes i dig sheryl crow, too.
    your writing is extraordinary! such heavy subject matter, such light words.
    i am struck by phrases like ”it makes me laugh” and ”i found it amusing” and i too am looking forward to reading more.
    whew.

    Tykkää

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